General Rules for Behavior

July 29, 2009

Stop Talking to Me

Filed under: Public Behavior — mmorowitz @ 1:01 pm

Just the other day, during my commute home from work, seven different people tried to talk to me for various reasons. I do not know any of these people, nor did I give them any opening with which to strike up a conversation with me.

Stop talking to me.

I am not interested in whatever you’re selling, I have nothing to give you, I don’t want to sign your petition, and I don’t care to make idle chat with tourists or anyone else, for that matter. Unless you are lost or need me to call 9-1-1 for you, there is no reason to talk to me. Leave me alone.

June 26, 2009

No Switching Teams

Filed under: social behavior — mmorowitz @ 7:28 pm

You may not change your favorite sports team, in any sport, after the age of nine.

You may not change your favorite baseball, football, basketball, or hockey team because you move to a new city in your 20s. On the date of your ninth birthday, your fan loyalty is effectively “locked in”.

If you grew up in Seattle but moved to Chicago after college, you are a Mariners fan. You are not a Cubs fan. Switching loyalties is a rule violation. You are not a Cubs fan unless you can provide proof that you were rooting for the Cubs from Seattle at the age of nine.

The only exception to this rule is college. If you have a childhood devotion to a college team, you may negate this loyalty upon enrolling in a different school.

June 12, 2009

Reduce or subsume your consumer technology raving

Filed under: hobbies — timgut @ 4:17 pm

I know it’s really great that you have an iPhone which has 125 applications on it, or you’ve found a super cool Twitter app that lets you Tweet while masturbating in the shower through a voice recognition plug-in on your Bose iPod speaker base, but please stop telling me about the latest cool consumer technology gadget you just purchased.

First of all, this topic is all the national media — be it daily papers, newsweeklies, or cable TV — actually covers, anymore. So I’ve heard the latest and been preached to by someone far more literate than you.

Second of all, *you* are not cool by extension. You only have enough money or a big enough credit line to *buy* cool things. So unless you wrote the software or were part of the development team that engineered it, I really don’t care. Be quiet. Read a book (not on your Kindle — an actual book).

I, too, am relatively amazed at some of the technology that’s out there. I, too, use it and enjoy it. But I don’t — because it’s strictly verboten, among other reasons — incessantly discuss said technology like it’s Show and Tell and I’m 7 years old.

Now, be gone from my sight.

May 1, 2009

Pizza Crusts

Filed under: Dining Out — mmorowitz @ 10:51 am

Eat your pizza crusts.  The crust is not a chicken bone, it’s bread. It’s completely edible and it’s made of the exact same stuff that the rest of the pizza is made of.

“I don’t like crust” is a completely unacceptable answer. If you don’t like crust, you don’t like pizza. Just eat a bowl of cheese and save the pizza for the rest of us.

There are no exceptions to this rule. If you do not intend on eating your pizza crust, you are not allowed to have a piece of pizza. You baby.

October 9, 2008

Trick-or-Treating is for kids in costumes

Filed under: holidays — mmorowitz @ 3:48 pm

Many of us have positive childhood memories of getting dressed up in our new costume and ringing neighborhood doorbells for candy on halloween.  Because trick-or-treaing was such a great part of my childhood, I’m enthusiastic about giving out candy to neighborhood kids in costumes.

Unfortunately, October 31st will bring many other people to my door looking for free candy who are not eligible.  Here is my message to those people:

To The Un-costumed: Fuck you. It’s not free candy day. There are two halves to this agreement:  You get dressed up, I give you candy. That’s how it works.  No costume, no candy, no exceptions.  All you have to do is show a little effort.

To Teenagers: So, you’re not quite adults, but you’re not really kids either.  Here’s how I see it. If you can drive or get a job, you have no business trick-or-treating.  If you’re 13 or over, I suppose it’s ok, but you should really feel pretty stupid about it. I’m not gonna card you, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

To The Trick-Or-Treating Adults: I don’t care if you’re chaperoning your kids, you don’t get to carry a bag for candy. Kids only. I especially loved the guy who said the bag he was carrying was for his newborn in the stroller.  Really?  You gonna fill that 3-month-old with Snickers, you asshole?  I’m calling DCFS.  Adults do not get candy and should not be trick-or-treating under any circumstances. No exceptions.

April 14, 2008

One Email Address

Filed under: Email — mmorowitz @ 2:54 pm

If you are in my email contacts list, I probably have no less than three email addresses for you. This is due completely to fact that you are an idiot.

Yes, I know you signed up for AOL years ago because you’re a moron and now you’re embarrassed because you know the only people who have an aol.com address are grandparents. So, you changed to a new ISP like Earthlink or something like that. Then, you started experimenting with free email like Hotmail or Yahoo. Finally, you felt left out of the Gmail loop, so you signed up for one of those too.

All along the way, you’ve been sending out chain letters about Microsoft giving out money and dumb jokes about “Men vs. Women”. Oh yeah, and I’m sure you’ve emailed me from your office address too.

Now, when I want to send you an email, I’ve got about five to choose from and I’m sure I’ll choose the wrong one and get a message from you four months from now saying something like “Hey dude, I retired that address a while ago.”

So, here’s the rule, dipshit. You get one. That’s it. Send out a message telling everyone what your email address is, and shut off all the others so any messages bounce back.

No exceptions.

January 26, 2008

Bike riding during winter

Filed under: hobbies, Public Behavior, Public Transit (CTA) — timgut @ 1:15 am

During the dead of winter in an inhospitable climate — such as Chicago’s — there comes a time when you simply must stop riding your bike.

Yes, I know — you’re trying to reduce your carbon footprint, and you’ve started riding a bike exclusively when you got rid of your 1987 Toyota Camry, but unless you choose to ride it through 10 inches of snow on the sidewalk, either walk or take public transportation.

Driving is a big enough pain-in-the-ass without having to go 6 miles an hour b/c some hardcore bike rider is taking up an entire lane on narrow, snow-covered streets.Basically stated, if there is snow on the ground and driving is impeded, leave your bike at home. Better yet, stay at home yourself, as you obviously have little or nothing to contribute to society.

January 24, 2008

Asking for help at work

Filed under: Workplace — timgut @ 1:21 am

Do not ask me for help with something at work that you could easily determine by accessing an application’s help menu. If you need to print something landscape-style, look it up in the help menu. If you need to change your signature on your email message, look it up in the help menu. If you need to save something in a different format than the standard, look it up in the help menu. Or, better yet, just try to figure it out yourself. Software is pretty intuitive nowadays … at least for non-idiots, that is.

Remember, you are a professional employee of your company. You’re actually being paid to figure out how to do your job, if you don’t know how to already.

Also, get out of my cube.

Cream Station Etiquette

Filed under: Public Behavior — timgut @ 1:17 am

After purchasing coffee, do not treat the “cream station” as if it were a science lab. Simply add your cream or skim milk to your beverage, grab some sugar and a stirrer, and move on. Do not shake out a sugar packet, tear it open, pour it in, stir your concoction, blow on the coffee, taste it, add a dollop of cream, blow on it some more, taste it again, add some more sugar…etc. I am waiting for your idiotic ass to get out of the way, so I can get my cream and get going — I’m already 15 minutes late for work, b/c in all likelihood, you were double-parked outside the coffee shop when I drove by…and I was stuck behind you for at least 5 of those minutes as I tried to change lanes.

If there’s no one around, it is acceptable to linger at the cream station in this fashion — but, remember, it’s a cup of coffee — not a $100 meal. If it’s not just right, take another shot tomorrow afternoon. Hey, coffee is a gamble.

Also, you’re too fat, and shouldn’t be using cream anyways. 

January 23, 2008

Grown Men Should Not “Collect”

Filed under: hobbies — mmorowitz @ 4:43 pm

At no time should an adult male maintain a collection of items that have dubious value.

I recently became aware of a man in his 30s who collects all kinds of items (hats, ties, books, artwork) that have Peanuts characters on them (Snoopy, Charlie Brown, etc.).  This is unacceptable behavior unless you are under the age of 14 or have a vagina.

Similar forbidden “dubious value” collections would include snow globes, Santa Claus figurines, refrigerator magnets, any of the expensive movie “collectibles” that they sell in SkyMall magazine, etc.

Valuable collecting such as stamps, coins, classic cars, and fine art are acceptable collecting hobbies for a grown man. An exception is also granted for holding onto collections acquired during childhood (baseball cards, comic books, action figures).

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